Self Improvement Information

When we are raising children, we always want to do what is best.  Positive parenting is about raising children that are not all the same.  The goal behind positive parenting is to raise children to become independent, loving adults.  Sometimes, in our quest for this, we get locked into a battle with our children because of our desire to have them conform.  This can be a dangerous.  We can get caught up in the idea that discipline means conforming.

When our daughter was born, my husband and I were brand new parents.  As my husband would say, “we had never been to that rodeo before.”  My husband’s side of the family were believers of “children should be seen and not heard”.  Our daughter is the poster child for the “strong willed child”.  It was very stressful at large family functions.  She has always been a non conformist.  As the pressure was turned up on us to make her conform the more she would “misbehave”.

We were faulted for many things including letting her dress herself.  She would wear some crazy things.  Because of her contrary nature, rather than butting heads 95% of the time, we read books on strong willed children.  We learned different techniques of positive reinforcement.  We learned that a child can say no without it being disrespectful.  She learned how to respectfully say no.  I learned that I wasn’t a bad parent because she had a mind of her own.

She had a hard time in school.  Conformity was always an issue.  If she was allowed free thought she did very well.  As time went on, she made it to high school.  When she was a senior, she tested positive for Attention Deficit Disorder.

The reason I am relaying this to you is that I know many of you are dealing with strong willed children.  Many of us have been raised with the “Iron Fist” of discipline, which doesn’t work with them.  It gets down to a decision.  Are we going to break the spirit of the strong willed child or are we going to guide them to adulthood where their strong will benefit them?

My daughter knows her own mind.  She still dresses with flair.  She’s never happier than when she is creating; painting, or sketching, or any thing that allows her artistic personality to bloom.  She is ruled by the right side of her brain.  She is and always will be a non conformist.  I have grown to love that about her. 

If you are in a situation with a contrary, non conformist child, remind yourself of all the people who changed this world in spite of or because of their individualism.  Albert Einstein was once thought of as having low intelligence.  Don’t mix up conforming with discipline.

Raising a strong willed, non conforming child is never easy, but it is worth it.  If you listen closely you can almost hear the beat of that different drummer that they are marching to that is so loud in their heads.  When it gets tough, remember that “this too shall pass.”  Keep finding and reinforcing the good in them.

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I remember, when I was young and single, how seeing a unruly child’s behavior swore to myself that “I will never have a child that acts like that!”  Be careful of that kind of statements.  It seems whenever we make those kind of statements, the world will conspire against us.  When we do have children, we find ourselves dealing with that behavior. How do we practice positive parenting and discipline our children effectively?

When it comes to discipline, every parent has their own philosophy.  People feel very strongly about this subject.  As they should.  This is one of the basics of raising children.  No one’s system is completely flawless.  The only requirement is that both parents be on the same page.  That is not as easy as it sounds.

Each one of us has been raised in different families and our experiences are sometimes vastly different.  God, with his infinite sense of humor, seems to pair people up with completely different ideas on discipline.  That’s when communication is very important.

What is discipline?  I believe it is a very misunderstood concept.  Here is a great quote from a website called Keeping Kids Healthy.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  “Discipline is not the same as punishment. Instead, discipline has to do more with teaching, and involves teaching your child right from wrong, how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, with a goal of helping to develop a child who feels secure and loved, is self-confident, self-disciplined and knows how to control his impulses, and who does not get overly frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life.”

Every one of our children are different.  Many times what we thought we knew about discipline can be thrown out the window when we give birth to the “strong willed child”.  Believe me, I could write volumes about that.  Remember, I was never going to have my child act like __________.  My first child was my baptism of fire in child rearing.  She was the poster child for the strong willed child.  Dealing with a strong willed child it is important to discipline without breaking their spirit.  It is not a sin for your child to tell you no.  What they tell you and what they do are 2 different things.

We learned to be creative.  We learned that she reacted positively to our weekly “star chart”.  If she did her jobs around the house and didn’t throw temper tantrums, every day, she would earn a star on her chart. One week of stars earned her the privilege of staying up late on Friday night where we would play games, eat pop corn and watch her favorite TV show.

She grew up to be a loving, warm, and caring person.  She is my artist.  She is unconventional and a free thinker.  Being a strong willed child became a strength.  She was not intimidated to cave in under peer pressure.  That was huge during the teenage years.  She has a strong sense of right and wrong.

I do know that we are never given more than we can handle.  I believe that each adversity has an opportunity closely tied to it.  I feel that we are given situations that help us grow and develop our souls.  I know that I am the person I am because of the things I have gone through.

Just remember, when you are frustrated, “This too shall pass.”  Nothing last forever.  Enjoy your children.  They are grown and on their own before you know it.  

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