Self Improvement Information

There are many different types of relationships in the human experience.  Most of us desire closeness with other people.  Our mental, emotional and physical health depends on our abilities to form close and loving relationships.  Many people have as much difficulty cracking the friendship code, as I would understanding any one of Einstein’s equations.

There are many different friendship relationships; mentor/coach, acquaintances, business and circumstantial, and long lasting close connections.  One thing that they all have in common is that they start out superficial, or the “getting to know you stage”.  Some relationships never progress beyond that, and stay in the acquaintance level.  To progress beyond the acquaintance level requires a different set of skills and needs.

In humans, the differences between male and female is very pronounced even as infants.  Female infants tend to look at human faces much more intensely than their male counterparts.  But, how much after that is social conditioning and how much is physiological?  Do adults hug and hold their female children more often than their male offspring?  Do we encourage “female bonding” in their games and activities vs the games males are encouraged to participate in? Those questions are best left to the clinicians who study human behavior.

The argument can be made that women have an easier time forming close personal relationships than men.  Is that true or a convenient excuse?  I seem to be raising more questions than I am answering.  I do know, that if the need or desire is not there for close personal relations, it won’t be accomplished.  Many people don’t feel the need for this until they have suffered a health or emotional crisis.  Putting all the differences aside and making the assumption that this closeness is desired, I would like to present the traits or skill set a person needs to learn to form close personal relationships that last.

1.  Loyalty – this skill is often debated regarding its importance.  I, personally, find this trait to be one of the most important to me.  I call it a skill because it can be learned at any age.  Without loyalty it is difficult to completely relax and let our guard down.  Some friendships are born out of competitive relationships ie; sports, business, etc.  Matters of the heart can’t be drawn into that competition.

2.  The ability to keep confidences.  Our family calls telling confidences to others as “baby mouse syndrome”, named after Sniffles the mouse in the old time cartoon.  The little mouse, Sniffles, followed the other character in the cartoon around telling everything he knows and asking too many questions. In our family, if you get called “Baby Mouse” you spoken a confidence or said too much.  Feelings can be hurt if we say too much about someone else.  It becomes gossip.  No one trusts a gossip.

3.  Honesty – this one can be difficult.  We don’t want to hurt others.  The sign of a true friend is one that will tell you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it.  A loving person is honest.  Many people confuse being honest with a lack of tact.  It is possible to be honest with compassion and empathy.

4.  Compassion – Truly caring about someone else’s life and feelings.  Showing interest and remembering facts that are important in someone else helps lower the other person’s guard. As the old saying goes, “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

5.  Common values – It is very difficult to sustain a lasting relationships without this.  It helps us understand one another.  We could meet someone from another culture or place and form a lasting friendship if we have common values.  Sometimes, can look at a friendship and wonder what common values they have.  If you look hard enough, you will find them.

6.  Empathy – Caring and understanding – no matter what.  This means suspending judgement on them.  Listening to what they have to say.  Leaving those hurtful words, “I told you so”, out of the conversation.  Those words only serve to hurt the other.  If it is important for you to be recognized as the  superior intellect in the relationship, you might want to question your motives.

7.  Share the good times and the bad.  A relationship that is one sided where only the bad things are shared becomes burdensome for the person being dumped on.  Do you want a friend or a counselor?  If your life seems to be one big bite off the pooh-pooh sandwich and that is all you have to share with your friend, I suggest you get a counselor.  They can point you in the right direction.  They are paid to listen to you and to teach you coping skills.  We all have times where our life seems to be falling apart.  That is understandable.  But, if all you know how to share is the crap, why would anyone want to be your friend?  Those are the times we need to see the good things.  Sometimes, being a friend to someone is pointing out the good things even when they aren’t in the mood to hear them.  When the shoulder to cry on becomes the thing you have in common and that is all you hear, it could be time for honesty.

In our lives we will have different friends for different moments.  When we don’t have those things in common, such as a job or an association we lose track of them. What we can strive for is long lasting friendships that it doesn’t matter how long it has been since you have seen them, you can pick up where you left off.  The closeness of heart is always there.

Related articles:

How to Cultivate Closeness

Forming Friendships

Yesterday, after I had finished my work day, I sat down to relax.  I was catching up on a bit of news.  I know that sounds like an oxymoron, relaxing and news.  I like to stay informed on current issues, without getting sucked into over focusing.  I was watching the reports on Haiti.  It breaks my heart to see their pain and suffering.

It got me to thinking about the rescue workers and doctors that are willing to risk their life to help others.  They are in peril of being buried alive, themselves, by aftershocks along with other dangers. Why would anyone put themselves in so much danger for people they don’t know?  It brought me back to a quote from Dr. Gary Chapman, “At the end of the journey the most satisfied people in the world are people who gave their lives away to serve others.”

Dr. Chapman talks about this very thing in his 6Th point about generosity.  A loving person is willing to give money, time, and their abilities to help other people.  We are seeing people like that in these rescue workers and doctors.  They are willing to run into a collapsed building, not concerned with their own safety, to rescue strangers who desperately need them.  As Albert Schweitzer said after he had received his Nobel Peace Prize, “One thing I know.  The only ones among you that will be truly happy are those that have sought and found how to serve.”

Love is an amazing thing.  It is the most powerful emotion ever given to mankind from our creator.  It is the great healer.  We, as human beings, can not be happy without it in our lives.  Our deepest satisfactions in life come from our relationships with others.

In our world today, does love stand a chance?  I think by watching this tragedy in Haiti we could all agree that love is our only chance.  Today’s video is part 2 of “Love as a Way of Life“.  His talk today is a little over 9 minutes of pure wisdom.  By the end of the video I hope you will know why we need love in our lives and in our world.  It is the cure for what ails us.

If you found this valuable pass it on to your network of family, friends and associates.

As I travel through life, I have had the opportunity to meet and get to know scores of people.  One of the things I have come to believe is that our relationships with other people enrich our lives.  I have known people from every walk of life and every religion.  One thing we all have in common is our need to feel and give love.  We live, and we would die, for those we love.

Each one of us has a need for connections with others.  Some of us are better at making those connections.  Most of the people that I have encountered who seem to have an easy, almost effortless, connection with others have something in common.  They love people.  Not only do they love people, they are loving people.

I am blessed to be married to one of those people.  I can’t express to you how much I have learned from him.  I have watched him interact with people and he treats them with love and care.

I grew up in a home where there was such a disconnection from others. Anger was always present in our home.  Hurt feelings and misunderstands ran deep. My parents always fought loudly.  Broken dishes and angry words seemed to prevail in their marriage.  I grew up wondering how long they could possible stay together.  I always expected them to eventually divorce.  Believe it or not, they are still together after 64 years!  They still don’t get along, but I have come to understand, that is their dance.  They are comfortable with it.

What makes a loving person?  As Gary Chapman would say, “Love is a cluster of traits.”  I believe that is true.  I came across this 2 part video from a speech that Gary Chapman gave about his book, “Love as a Way of Life.“  In these 2 videos, he talks about the 7 characteristics of a loving person.

Why should we want to be more loving people?  What would be the point of understanding and incorporating these 7 points into our lives?  In essence, why be a lover?

If we could understand more about how to be a loving person, could we use that to create better relationships?  If we enjoyed better relationships, would we be happier people?  If we understood people, had better connections in our relationships, could we create a better world?  These are questions only you can answer.  As Gary says in these videos, “You are here to enrich the world and you impoverish yourself if you forget that errand.”

The first video for today is a little over 7 minutes long. It covers the first 3 traits.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Feel free to pass it on!